Shrinking Shadows

January 23, 2012

Uncategorized

(I wrote this a few days ago after a particularly rough night. I considered not posting as I’m feeling much better but decided it’s a part of the journey.)

I talk about all the wonderful moments of living in an RV. The beautiful places we see.  The curious people we meet. The quiet evenings filled with peace and love. The times with friends and family.

These are the moments that fuel my soul. The moments that make me feel like my lungs breath magic not oxygen.

But that isn’t the whole story.

Last night, I cried myself to sleep. Heaving sobs rocked my body for no apparent reason.

Depression.

While we travel many new roads, this one is not. Many years ago, it defined my life. Over time, therapy, a patient husband, amazing children, and a loving God swept that shadow away. Mostly. For the past 11 years, aside from 6 long dark months and an occasional gray day sprinkled in to remind me how far I’ve come – how good God is-  depression has been little more than a distant memory.

Now here I am living one of my lifelong dreams and the shadow is on my heels. The shadow with a voice that tells me of my failures, plays on my insecurities, growls my fears, and mocks my sadness.

I’m angry that this shadow has decided to come knocking now. Knocking while I’m living one of my dreams. But that’s life. It’s not a Thomas Kincade painting. (Thank God I’m so over snow.) There are no shortage of struggles even when life is surrounded by a white picket fence. Life is messy, complicated, often painful, and, yes, beautiful even admist struggles.

So I wait through the night knowing morning will come.

Light will shine over the sometimes dim forest of life and the shadows will shrink.

The light of God surrounds me. The light that comes with a walk through the woods or the view from a mountain top. The light found in my children’s smiles. The light that shines through my husband’s arms.  The light that follows sharing the truth.

Darkness may come but morning always follows.

Love and Laughter,
Jenn

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About jennincat

I'm Jenn and I'm so happy you stopped by our little corner of the web. My favorite moments are cuddling with my boys, listening to the purrs of my cat, and sipping warm cups of tea. The smell of orange blossoms conjures up delightful memories of childhood even though I grew up in Indiana hundreds of miles from citrus groves. I love animals and when I'm stressed I dream of owning a goat farm. I love art, road trips, books, and food. Vintage clothes make me ridiculously happy. Red lipstick is my friend.

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9 Responses to “Shrinking Shadows”

  1. Missy Says:

    Psalm 30:5 “For his anger endures but a moment; in his favor is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning”
    That is one of the verses I cling to in my times of depression (sadly they are too often these days). I totally understand and get what you mean. It’s hard to fathom being depressed while living your dream – but the enemy likes to steal our joy. I am glad you are feeling better and glad you posted this. I know there are others like me ;)
    Hope to get to see you all soon……………:D

    Reply

  2. Andrea@WellnessNotes Says:

    I’m glad you are feeling better. Hugs.

    Reply

  3. Tamara Says:

    Hugs and peaceful wishes, sweetie. I’m so glad things are better. I do believe we can’t have the light without the darkness, and I’m glad you have so much light in your life to make up for the sad times you’ve had to endure. Lotsa love to you. xoxo

    Reply

  4. Jess Says:

    Thank you for sharing. Love you so much! I hope you make it to some sunshine soon.

    Reply

  5. Michelle Says:

    Lots and lots of love and strength to you my friend. {{HUGS}}

    Reply

  6. Deb (SmoothieGirlEatsToo) Says:

    This was beautifully written and I’m glad that you posted it as you were climbing out of your dark times (selfishly…so I don’t have to worry about you, my friend!)

    I know that you know this, but you will come out of this stage and emerge on the other side just rearing to go and relish your next adventure on the road.

    Sending you hugs and love.

    Reply

  7. Mariza Says:

    When I started planning to move into my RV I read that after making life so simple, that depression creeps in. They said it was because before, when we were surrounded by stuff and things to do, that was just masking the looking into ourselves. I’ve had moments like what you are talking about and I’ve told my friends who are still living in their houses and still dealing with contractors for their remodeling projects “when you have very little to be taking care of, then you have yourself to look into.” That’s how I describe those moments in my life now that I live in my RV. It’s depressing, but also I think that it’s a growing moment.

    Reply

  8. charlotte Says:

    Oh Jenn! So poignant and so beautifully expressed: “The light of God surrounds me. The light that comes with a walk through the woods or the view from a mountain top. The light found in my children’s smiles. The light that shines through my husband’s arms. The light that follows sharing the truth.” I wish I could hug you in person. I know well the familiar grip of depression – you have all my sympathy and my prayers that you will be through this night soon!

    Reply

  9. Ananga-manjari Says:

    thank you so, so very much for allowing yourself to be publicly vulnerable by sharing your thoughts and feelings about life in an rv with depression. your words are like a deep, comforting hug reminding me everything will be okay, as we transition into full time rv living in may, even if gray moments and even darkness creeps in. you have reminded me that I have the support of my beloved, my boys, lord and beautiful empathetic folks in my life, like you and others. peace and blessings.

    Reply

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